


I Need You To Listen To Me

by nuestinsync



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22190071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuestinsync/pseuds/nuestinsync
Summary: Whenever Mingi gets like this, he talks to Dongho. It's better late than never.
Kudos: 3





	I Need You To Listen To Me

"Ok I'll start".

Dongho weighed his words carefully, well aware that one wrong step could incur more emotional damage. 

"I'm sorry, Mingi. It's been too long since we had a real talk. Like I said before, it's my fault and I'm still not ok with how absent I was... I missed so much of you and what you were going through when I was in that relationship - it's not ok. But I'm here and I'm not leaving you alone."

Mingi's heart was hammering. He had opened up to Dongho again; last time, it didn't seem like his best friend was really hearing how deeply depressed and hopeless he felt. Dongho over messaging was of course not exactly perceptive; he offered some kind words, promised to visit Mingi in the New Year and seemed to agree that their friendship would do better over phone calls than just sparse messages. 

The lack of lasting conversation over messages hit Mingi's insecurities hard, he'd admitted that much. With other friends, they chattered or messaged too obliviously to realise how not-ok Mingi was. They ended up talking about things Mingi never led into or felt much about, just for the sake of talking, and he was tired. 

With Dongho, it should be different. But Dongho had been absorbed in his own life, as he should be, when he had been achieving goals, getting in deadlines for his new music and generally having a life. Mingi couldn't exactly relate.

"Things must be hard this Christmas. You didn't deserve to spend the holidays alone, Mingi. I'm sure one day you'll get some closure with your parents, it can't last forever."

"You don't know what they're like", Mingi finally spoke up quietly.

"Once they don't agree with something I do it's like I don't exist. If we had made up within a few weeks, it would be rocky at first but things would've gone back to normal, better than normal. I just didn't give in."

Now he was caught up in reliving his years living at home, he couldn't stop the words coming out fast. Dongho listened intently, a soft look in his eyes.

"I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of how dysfunctional it has to be. I really miss it when I was just a high schooler. Maybe it wasn't great, doing everything for myself when everyone I knew had their parents coddle them but at least my dad was a better person. He had a job, a purpose back then. How am I supposed to be around that now? He's so defeated, and mom, she couldn't stand it when we drifted apart. I can't go back there. And the worst thing is I saw this coming, I _knew_ they would just pretend like I'm not their son. It's been six months nearly. I mean, what kind of family doesn't call? Ever?"

He was welling up now, eyes looking disconsolately into Dongho's, laying out what he for so many years had been ashamed of: the way his family couldn't show love.

Dongho didn't know what to say to that. He wanted to draw Mingi into his arms and hug him tightly, the way only Dongho could, in the secure warmth of his arms, a cradle not a cage. 

"Dongho, I'm scared. All the better times, I haven't had anyone to talk to about them for a while. How am I supposed to remember the best moments of my life when I haven't been able to just, just reminisce? The people in those memories, they all moved on... Dongho, I'm going to forget everything I've done, everything I achieved... Already I'm just a shell, I'm just existing. I can't remember what it's like to be proud of myself, really, fully proud of myself. Like when people say they're proud of you and remind you of what you did and what you went through. It's not the same when you just have to repeat it to yourself but you don't even believe it anymore. For what? For what did I do it all if I'm still stuck in the same mental state as a year ago?"

Dongho did hug him then. He didn't want one of his closest friends to go through this pain, feeling like no one in the world could relate to those kind of parents. He squeezed Mingi into him, closer, as close as he could fit him in his arms. He could feel Mingi tense up, holding in his tears like he always tries to do. If they were sad tears, he would hold them in as long as possible, until he could be alone, or he would force back the rest of his tears and pretend he was ok again until he could cry them out alone later but it never worked. Dongho had seen it first-hand when they had lived together. 

When he heard Mingi speak again, it was with a voice so hollow.

"I haven't decided yet. Whether I want to die more than I want to live. I'm sorry Dongho. That's how I feel right now. Once I go back to work and I'm around everyone again, will I still want to die this badly? Once I talk to my counsellor or someone else? A part of me doesn't _want_ to get better. It's wrong, isn't it?"

Dongho couldn't hold back the tear that had slipped past his cheek. He cleared his throat, battling to keep his voice steady.

"Mingi. You're going to feel better soon. Whatever feels like it's missing and it's never coming back, it will. There are other families to love you, too. We, all of us, love you so much. I know there's so much you've kept inside until now but you don't have to. There's people who will listen, not just that lousy counsellor who couldn't see you last month." Mingi choked out a small laugh.

"We're not going to pretend anymore, ok?" Dongho rubs circles into Mingi's back, feeling the wetness of tears gather on his shoulder and readjusting his arms.

"Ok", Mingi breathed finally.

"We're not going to pretend we're fine", Dongho's low voice breaks the silence settling in Mingi's living room. Mingi nods once into his shoulder.


End file.
